Strengthening Current Relationships

I am a Family Studies major, so much of the information I share on this blog post will be from classes and articles I have read as part of my major.

Imagine a triangle separated into four quadrants. The bottom quadrant has the word “friendship.” Next is the word “love.” Then “respect.” Then “trust.” You cannot get to trust in a relationship unless you have all other aspects. Similarly, you cannot feel love in a relationship if there is no friendship. Each section of the triangle must be in place in order to build the next section.

Getting Rid of Distractions

The first step to building a healthier and stronger relationship is getting rid of distractions. These distractions might include constant “guys nights” or “girls’ night out.” Although its good to take a break from each other, taking too many does not do anything for your relationship because you are well, apart.

Another distraction that is important to limit in a relationship is use of a phone. If someone on your phone is more important than the person you are with, than maybe that says something about your relationship. According to a study reported on Fatherly.com, using a phone too much in a relationship was seen to lead to decreased relationship satisfaction because too much emotional distance was created between partners. If you are choosing to be with someone, really be with them. Lori Whatley, a MFT, compares phone use in relationships to having an affair. In earlier years, couples would worry about their partner cheating on them. This worry would often come about when one partner seemed emotionally distant. In today’s world, affairs with people have been replace by affairs with phones. When our attention is too much on our smartphone, maybe try a flip phone for a few months.

The third distraction to be aware of is extended family. I am extremely guilty of this one. My mom is my best friend. Sometimes I can’t help but call her 9 times in one day, just to tell her about the food I ate at the food court. However, when I am on the phone with my mom every night, no matter how short it is, this cuts into my husband time. A word of advice: when you are together, be together. Calling family and friends is great, but it can probably be done at a time that doesn’t cut into the time you can spend connection to another person. The important thing: set boundaries. As a couple, make sure you are clear on the role extended family plays in your relationship and stick to it. Also, when it comes time to take sides, always side with your spouse, no matter what.

11 Ideas to Strengthen Your Relationship

Here are some free(ish) ideas to help strengthen marriages:

1. Do John Gottman’s love maps questionnaire with your spouse. You can either get his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, which has this questionnaire in it, or download his free app. The questionnaire helps you get to know your partner in ways you never would have thought of before.
2. Read a relationship book together! Some suggestions include any of the Love Languages books, A Man’s Guide to Women by John Gottman, I and Thou by Martin Bueber, and The Bonds That Make Us Free by C. Terry Warner.
3. Participate in a Marriage Counseling Session
4. Create a budget. This helps you understand what your partner values and teaches each partner the principle of sacrifice
5. Keep a journal and share your thoughts often with your partner.
6. Have a weekly date night. Try to not always just go to dinner. Spice things up!
7. Have open communication about expectations, including topics such as sex, extended family, or family traditions.
8. Learn about Gottman’s 5 Magic Hours here and strive to implement the idea.
9. Do random acts of kindness for your spouse for two weeks without getting recognition.
10. Write a list of vulnerabilities in your life and bring up one of these a month to your spouse.
11. Check in with them weekly; see how they are doing emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, and sexually.